The Content Maker

March 24th, 2010

A moron’s account of 4th grade.

Posted by admin in Humorists Stage

Ah looking back on 4rth grade, it was not my favorite grade, 3erd grade was my favorite grad butt when I think about all the grades I had in school 4rth grade was not a bad grade. My teacher for 4rth grade was Mister Tony, he was a very smart and very nice teacher and he was also the biggest teacher in all my grades.

Back before he decided to be a teacher Mister Tony did some exciting stuff, he was over in Russia and he got cot by the KYB and they throwed him in this place called the doologs that was very cold and all they ever fed you was potatoes. Another time he was saline across the ocean and he got stuck in this place called the doldrums where the wind never blows and him and his friends had to paddle there boat across it and it took a long time and they ran out of food and had to eat flying fish.

Another thing that Mister Tony did that was neat was back when he was a boy he learned Kung Fu, he was over in China for a long time and this guy named Gandy tot him Kung Fu. He said he would teach Mister Tony on one condishun, that he promised never to use his Kung Fu to be a bully. Mister Tony had a black belt for Kung Fu, accept it didn’t have a big buckle or his name on the back like normal belts did.

I could talk for a long time about Mr. Tony because he had a very interesting life, accept I should probably tell you different things about my 4rth grade year.

There was my 2nd cousin Ricky in my 4rth grade class. Growing up I had 8 cousins, my 1st cousin Missy was in 6th grade that year and I can not remember what grades my other cousins was in accept I do remember that my 8th cousin little Jenny was not in school yet. Anyways Ricky had this girl friend that was a 4rth grader in my class, her name was Lisa. She was a little pretty accept she was very mean for a girl, even back then she was mean for a girl. One time she fell off the magic carpet and broke her nose, she laid there on the ground and moaned accept we couldn’t understand what she was saying because she was laying with her face in the dirt. Some of the 4rth graders laughed because she was always mean to them. Finally Mrs. Chritchunson came running up and said “I think you have broken your nose. We better get you to the hospital!” They took her to the hospital and put a cast on her nose, accept she didn’t let us sign it like Maria did when she broke her arm. Later Mrs. Christchnson came up to us that watched Lisa fall off the magic carpet and said “The next time Lisa falls off the magic carpet and breaks her nose, will you please come and tell me?” accept the way she said it was different.

I remember one morning in the 4rth grade that started out before 4rth grade started, in the morning. It was a Friday and my mom got me up at 6 am so I could watch the house while she went down to this place, I can’t remember the name but they all jumped up and down and bounced around and did stretches and such. Like my mom did every morning she said “Please just watch cartoons and don’t get into anything, I will be back at 7, if anything happens call 911″ and my mom left the number for 911 right by the phone with where we lived on a piece of paper so if something bad did happen I could call 911 and tell them where we lived.

This morning there was no good cartoons on t.v. and I didn’t want to watch t.v. so I went into the kitchen thinking to myself “there must be something fun in here” and I looked for something fun until I found a box of matches in the cupboard. Now I had used matches before to start the stoves burning, and I knew how to use matches, accept never before did I have a whole box of matches. “This could be fun” I said to myself, accept I didn’t really say this.

I don’t know why but I struck a match and watched it burn, then throwed it in the kitchen stove. I also do not know why but I did this again. I did it again, and again, and many times. Then I don’t know why but I lit 2 matches at one time, then 3 matches, and even 10 matches at one time. I had great fun lighting matches, accept it was not very long until there was no matches left. I knew this was not good because my dad would be mad if he had to by knew matches, since we did not have a money tree. Then I put the matchbox back in the cupboard and turned on cartoons and waited for my mom to come home.

When my mom came home she said “What is this smell in the kitchen?”

I said “I do not notice anything.”

She said “It smells like sulfur in here.”

I said “It does?” I was pretending that it didn’t smell in the kitchen.

“What did you do while I was gone” my mom asked me.

“Watched cartoons” I told her.

“Did you light any matches in here?” my mom asked me.

“Yes” I said.

“Why?” mom asked.

“I was trying to get the stove going” I told her.

“How many matches did you use?” my mom asked me.

“A few” I told her.

Then my mom looked in the stove at all the burnt matches, and also looked in the cupboard in the matchbox and saw there was no matches left. “You used all the matches!” she screamed at me.

“I did?” I said trying to act like I did not know I used all the matches.

“And there is no wood in the stove either!” my mom screamed at me again.

“Oh, maybe that is why it was so hard to get burning” I said still pretending that I was trying to light the stove.

My mom did not believe that I was trying light the stove and she made me sit down and she yelled at me for a long time and asked “why did you use up all the matches?” accept I did not know why I used up all the matches. My mom told me that I was in big trouble and that they was going to send me to pyromaniac school where you go for a long time and they teach you not to play with matches as much. Also my mom said I was grounded and that I could not go to Mike’s house after school.

I went to school very sad because I did not want to go to pyromaniac school, and me and Mike had important plans to do that weekend. I told Mike that I could not go to his house, and he was sad because we could not do our plans. I went home after school that day and I was feeling very sad and my mom told me I could go to Mike’s house after all, so I went to Mike’s house. Also my parents did not send me to pyromaniac school after all.

Mike and I were going to dig a hole at his house, we had planned it for a long time and we had Cory who was a smart 4rth grader draw up blue plans for our hole. The only thing was that we did not no where we was going to dig it, it had to be a secret place. Mike said that he knew the perfect place accept he could not tell me till morning where the secret spot was.

In the morning Mike said “we’re going to dig the hole in the chicken house, the ground is soft and no one can see us digging”.

I said “But what about when your mom gets eggs?” and Mike said not to worry about that because he had planned that out to.

Mike and I got shovels and picks and went in the chicken house and started digging our hole, just like Cory’s blue plans said to. The ground was soft and the digging was easy and it was not long before the whole was as tall as us.

“Tie the rope to the bored over there so we can climb in and out” Mike told me. And I took the rope and tied it to the bored using the best not I knowed and I through the other end in the hole.

The digging was still easy and we was having to use a bucket to get the dirt out with. It was not long before the hole was very deep, it was 12 feet deep I know because Mike’s dad measured it later on. Cory’s blue plans was for 200 feet deep, and Mike said the we had 188 feet to go, accept our hole was starting to fill up with water. This made the digging tuff and also made us cold, since it was in winter.

Mike said “we better get out of this hole and think for a while” and he grabbed the rope accept when he grabbed it all fell right in the hole with us, even the other end that was tied to the bored.

“I do not understand!” I yelled. “I used my best not and it came untied. What are we going to do?” I asked. Mike looked very worried.

We tried climbing out of the hole, I even tried jumping out of the whole and it was no use. Mike tried standing on my shoulders but we still couldn’t get out of the whole.

“The only thing that we can do now is wait for someone to come out here” Mike said, and he looked sad like he was going to cry.

“Maybe we should try screaming for your mom” I said.

Mike said “we could try that but the house is a long ways from this chicken house and she is probably in the house listening to those tapes that say you’re an OK person so I don’t think she would hear us”.

But Mike and I tried screaming for his mom sense it was our only hope. We started both screaming together but Mike said that we needed to save our energy so we started taking turns screaming at Mike’s mom. Mike would scream “MOM! MOM! MOM!” as loud as he could, then I would scream “MIKES MOM! WE ARE IN A HOLE OUT IN THE CHICKEN HOUSE AND WE NEED YOU TO COME HELP US GET OUT!” as loud as I could scream. Accept no matter how much we screamed Mike’s mom never came to get us out of the hole.

It was starting to get dark and me and Mike had been screaming for a long time and Mike looked very sad and said “There is no hope, we are never going to get out of here. They will come out here to get eggs and find the skeletons of two boys” and Mike looked very sad, and he had tears in his eye when he said this, and his lips was kind of curling up.

“I gotta go” I replied. And I did have to go, and not number one neither. I had to go really bad, except we was stuck in the hole. It always hits you at the worse time!

Then, like the voice of an angel we heard the screechy voice of Mike’s mom say “Mike! Mike! It is supper time, please come in the house!” Me and Mike started screaming, Mike was saying “MOM!” and I was just screaming I was so excited.

Then we heard Mike’s mom’s voice get closer and say “Mike, where are you?”

We both screamed “In the chicken house!”

Then right away we heard the chicken house door open and Mike’s mom said “Is you boys playing tricks on me, because I don’t see you?”

“WE’RE IN THE GROUND!” I screamed as loud as I could, accept that wasn’t very loud because I was horse from all the screaming I did that day. Then Mike’s mom came over to the hole and looked down upon us.

“What are you silly boys doing down there?” Mike’s mom asked us. Mike had a tear of joy he was so glad to see his mom.

I said “Could you please help us get out because I really gotta go”. Mike’s mom tied the rope to the bored, and I climbed out first since I had to go so bad. I ran to the house as fast as I could run and when I got to the house I did not have time to take my shoes off so I left muddy tracks all over the house, accept I did make it to the bathroom in time.

Later on Mike’s dad yelled at us for digging a whole in the chicken house. Also Mike’s mom was not happy about the tracks in the house, but we lived and that was the important thing.

About the Author

A recovering moron. I know this isn’t everyone’s style of humor, but if you got a kick out of it, feel free to drop me a line at gboethin@yahoo.com.

January 10th, 2010

Making a Hit with Your Marketing Campaign

Posted by admin in Humorists Stage

Considered a vital link in a show’s promotional plan, direct marketing is vital only if it’s done right. It’s certainly not as simple as typing a letter, adding an address and stamp, and popping it in the mail. Direct marketing specialist Debbie Bermont, president of San Diego-based Source Communications, offers her golden rules for creating that vital, highly successful direct marketing campaign.

There are some key golden rules to making your direct mailings work effectively. That doesn’t mean that you have to spend more money in order to succeed. Far from it. In fact, you could find yourself spending less — or at least spending more strategically — than you may be doing at present. Here’s how:

Mail to Mr. Right

There’s a simple but very clear distinction between junk mail and direct mail. Junk mail is mail that isn’t wanted. Direct mail is something that goes to the right person and is wanted. One major key to the success of your direct mailing is to find the right people to mail to. If you are working on a follow-up show, then targeting the people who signed up last year would be a good place to start. If it’s a new show or a new list, your first job is to start with a research phone call to find out who that right person is. Even if you’re using last year’s list, it is still worth a telephone call to check that your information is up to date. Don’t ever rely on anyone passing your mailer on — it just won’t happen.

Boost Your Letter

Once you’ve found out who to send your letter to, your next step is to make sure that your letter works to its maximum effect. Write it as a one-on-one dialogue. Beware of using industry lingo that your prospect may not understand. Keep your paragraphs short and sweet — no more than seven lines. Break up your letter into clearly defined subheads. And keep it to two pages in length.

Make All Your Copy Benefit-Oriented

List the benefits so they are easy to understand. And remember that a benefit is a lot different than a feature. Features do not have the clout that benefits do. For example, stating that “10,000 people attended our show last year” is merely a feature. Write it in the context of a benefit: “You can have the opportunity of making 10,000 qualified contacts in three days,” and you’ll start making the impact that you want.

Repeat your offer at least three times throughout your letter: in your headline, within the first two paragraphs, and again in your closing paragraph. You can also include it in a “p.s.” Last, but not least, tell your prospects what the next step is and tell them to do it today. Also include details of where to go for more information. Your goal should be for the recipients to immediately respond to your letter in a positive way.

Make an Impact

Your mail piece must stick out from all the rest. Yours will not be the only piece of direct mail that lands on your prospects’ desks today. The more you can do to catch their attention, peak their curiosity, and urge them to open the packet, the better.

One particularly effective way of doing this is to make your packet lumpy. For example, you can include Post-it notes or candy (but never candy that could melt!). Make it even more appealing by relating your insert to your offer or your message. For example, insert a bite-sized Pay Day candy bar along with the message, “Every day’s a Pay Day when you exhibit at the ABC Show!” Another idea is to affix large plastic aspirin capsules to your mailer with the message “Don’t let this be another headache for you!” Or include a card with a telephone ringing along with the note “Give us a call today!”

Whatever your insert, make your message clear, make it novel, make it fun, make it useful, and make it one that leaves a warm fuzzy feeling — not confetti. All that does is leave a mess!

Too Good to Miss

Create an offer that can’t be refused. This may be a limited time offer (the expiration should never be longer than 60 days), or an offer that sets you apart from your competition, such as a better location or a bigger booth size with early sign up. Whatever the offer, the incentive has to be sufficiently appealing to inspire immediate action.

Remember that there’s no point in offering an outstanding incentive if no one knows about it. So in your direct mail piece, make this offer clear, easy to understand, easy to respond to, and relevant for your audience.

Easy Does It

Make it as simple as possible for your prospect to respond to you. The most effective option is a fax-back form with quick and easy response sections. Other possibilities are a toll-free telephone number, a postage-paid reply card, or a Web site. The Web site might not necessarily be your direct response tool, but it is certainly very effective as an additional interactive vehicle for obtaining more information about the show.

Follow up by Phone

Whatever you send out, make sure you follow it up with a telephone call to close the sale. You’ll see single digit response rates quickly turn into double digits as a result. Whoever makes those phone calls must be professional, courteous, and well-informed of the details of the show and the benefits of exhibiting.

Printing Essentials

There are plenty of ways to save money, time, and mistakes when it comes to your direct mail bottom line — and all without compromising quality or quantity. Here are a few ideas to consider:

- Save money with a printer. Pick a printer that will work with you — not necessarily the one that offers the lowest bid. If you don’t, you could end up sacrificing both quality and money.

- Get at least three estimates from three different reputable printers.

- Ask to see samples of their printing quality.

- Remember that you can always negotiate a price (typically between 10 percent and 20 percent off of the price they first quote you).

- For small print jobs buy your paper at a discount paper warehouse and avoid the printer’s markup.

- Always supply a very detailed purchase order that includes all the details that could be problems: price quoted, ink colors, paper specs, space requirements, quantity, etc.

- Make sure that you see a final proof before the job is printed.

- When possible, supply the printer with a sample of your final art as a guideline.

Mailing Tips

Not only does a little know-how help with your printing procedures, but in your mailing too.

If you want to save dollars, use third-class or bulk rate. You can save more than 70 percent of your postage cost if you can afford the slight time delay that bulk rate demands. Deliverability of bulk rate mail is between three and 10 days, but depending on the city, it can be just as fast as first-class.

Make up a sample package in the early stages of your preparation and take it down to your post office to check that it will go through the mail system without any problems. You don’t want to find this out after you have printed 30,000 pieces!

Consider using a mail house to handle and sort your volume work. It can save an enormous amount of your time for a relatively low fee.

Concerned about the image of mailing bulk rate?

You can buy third-class stamps, which make a much better impact than a metered bulk rate mark.

What’s the key to your direct mail?

It’s the synergistic effect of multiple hits — whether that’s by mail, telephone, e-mail, broadcast fax, or an inexpensive postcard reminder — which will ultimately make the impact and make the sale.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Written by Susan A. Friedmann,CSP, The Tradeshow Coach, Lake Placid, NY, author: “Meeting & Event Planning for Dummies,” working with companies to improve their meeting and event success through coaching, consulting and training. Go to http://www.thetradeshowcoach.com to sign up for a free copy of ExhibitSmart Tips of the Week.